Dagestan Massacre, 1999: to be blunt...

Morbid curiosty is a terrible thing.

A couple of months ago, I did something terrible to myself.

First of all, I'm not going to recount a history or theology lesson, that's one of the internet's many purposes; in this case, enlightenment.
I'll cut to the chase, (no pun intended...). 'Gore' videos, 'shock' sites, warning disclaimers, content concerns... How graphic could these things be? Surely, with all of the horror films I have in my mental arsenal, and having always been keen to discover the 'real' world beyond the press, (most recently al-Assad's regime), nothing would ever faze me in this way?
The guy with the jar up his arse - comical.
The guy with the horse... Again, I laughed.
So, somehow, I decided to approach the sites differently. I saw some blood in the side bar, so I clicked it.
Nikki Catsouras, aka Porsche Girl... Brutal, but as a teenager, I was always searching for pictures.
Let's try some videos, I decided.
I jumped right into the deep end, having done some hindsight research. I began with the 'Dnepropetrovsk Maniacs' obliterating helpless Sergei Yatzenko. Extremely unnerving, and having realised he survived much of the duration of the filming, it was made all the more upsetting. I did the research, passed the judgements on the murderers, and have copious amounts of sympathy for him and his widow, and within an hour or so, I shook it off. Fine, I thought, rather than stop here, I'll hunt for some more.

This was the biggest mistake of my Internet life.

'Beheading of 6 Russian Conscripts by Chechens', 'Chechens beheading', 'Dagestan beheading', 'Dagestan Massacre 1999'... In the event somebody even reads this, (not that I particularly care, since this blog is intended as merely a venting space), do not watch this video... It's a curse, not just a video. This will stick with you forever. Now, as I said, do all the research into Chechnya, Chechen warfare, Russia, Islam etc as you wish. I'm just stating facts. I cannot stress how bizarre my reaction was, has been, and still is to this video. I cannot stress the multitude of ways in which this has disturbed me and warped me into somebody I wasn't by any means before. These young boys, essentially, preyed upon by older men in a tirade of religious and political distortion, die in this video. They're not shot, they are no detonations, there's nothing quick. One man, granted, flees and is shot off camera eventually. He was, sickly, fortunate. As for the other five? Picture me this: one by one, you and four of your Russian comrades are face down in the dirt. You are unarmed. Within minutes, you'll be murdered. No, you won't be 'beheaded', as the title implies, at least not fully. Your throat will be slit, slowly. You will scream. Your screams will become hisses and gurgling as your vocal chords are severed. You will gasp for air as your oesophagus is torn. But they'll stop at your spinal column. You might flop around, like a fish from water, for a few seconds, (or minutes, in the case of the first conscript slaughtered). Your Chechen captors will laugh at you all the way.

I cannot deal with the thought of being home alone anymore, since watching this video. The screams of those men resound in my head. Every corner or empty room has a Chechen lurking inside it. Every noise is a footstep. At night, even with people present, I cannot leave a room and switch off a light. I am reluctant to turn off my bedside light, or keep my arm outside my sheets for too long.

Here are four reasons why I feel this way, and four reasons not to watch this video:

Number one: In the full version of this video, (which I foolishly made my business to find), after around three minutes in, the first image and audio are of a conscript, face down, bleeding, extensively, gasping through a severed windpipe. A Chechen does move in to further the effort, but this does not kill him. He whines as he is hacked further, but only has the energy and means to continue with those huffing sounds afterwards. This progresses for a couple or so minutes following the final blow. Two minutes may not seem like a long time, but to suffocate through your throat, no doubt ingesting your own blood, this is beyond too long, this shouldn't occur.

Number two: The second 'beheading' demonstrates why the term itself is very misleading. There isn't much to display of this man's brutalisation. What you do see, however, is one of the main aspects of this video which haunts me. I'm not exaggerating, it literally haunts me. I imagine him, reaching to his own head, after his throat has been dismembered, where the opening is almost the entire length of his neck. At first, I thought the head and arm movements was a Chechen re-adjusting him for the camera. On second viewing, (yes, I was outrageously stupid enough to view this more than once), I realised that this almost slow, mechanical movement is indeed the conscript vaguely moving his own head and hand. It's as though he wished to check to see if he was dreaming; perhaps he expected to wake from a nightmare, in bed, any bed, safe, alive, unharmed. Each time I recall it, I want to clasp that hand. However, at night, I often expect that hand to reach up, at the foot of my bed. Or, to leave my bed for the toilet at night, and see him lying beside me, eyes wide open, neck wide open, head turning to look toward me, hand idly drifting.

Number three: This was not so much a physically graphic aspect. Rather, the morning after I had watched this, I wept at this impact. There is a transcription of this man's ordeal. The Chechens toy with him for a minute or so before they decide to kill him. Even without this translation, or knowledge of the Russian language, you unanimously understand the desperation and fear of this young man - this human. This particular scene reinforces that these are humans, being set upon by humans. He begs, he screams, he cries, and he calls out for his mother. I wanted to snatch him from the screen, destroy my laptop so as the Chechens couldn't follow, and hug him. But this was around 13 years ago. He is dead. They're all dead. He never got to see his mother again. None of them did.

Finally, number four: The Chechen rebels... These particular specimens are twisted. They document this. They laugh at the expense of the conscripts throughout. They praise God throughout. This adds to and enhances the grimness of these 16 minutes.

As putrid as this may be, learning that Spetsnaz operatives apprehended the culprits of this video, consisting of capturing and/or killings, was good for me.

But still, this was something of a life changing experience.

I don't hate humanity, as much as it is flawed.

This, however, has consumed me. Granted, my recollections of it are not as profound as initially. Nevertheless, it will never leave me.

As promised; no history, no debate, no theology, no politics. My regards to these are nobody's concern but my own.

I just felt the need to vent. It's been a month, possibly more, and this video still saddens me to the core. I see my brothers, I see my friends, I see my Dad, I see my boyfriend, in those men, particularly in the males I know of the same age as those murdered. Simultaneously, I see the Chechens, I see what they're doing, and humanity's dark potential bothers me. It bothers me very much.

Morbid curiosity is a terrible thing. But then again, so is reality.

I wish I could restore my mind to a point prior to watching this. I genuinely do.

I wish those boys would get out of my head.

I feel like the most disgusting voyeur for having seen this video. On the other hand, I feel by not addressing any personal country/culture related opinion, or indeed condemning or condoning either side, that I'm not performing a disservice. It was tragic. Reacting will only tempt more tragedies.

Rest in peace. I can only hope they sleep sweetly now.

If you have a heart, be careful how you use it around this video.
If you don't have a heart, then you'd probably laugh.

Though, from me, the final comment would be don't watch this video.